Diet Schmiet

I started this crazy weight-loss thing on January 24, 2007.  Yes, I remember the date and can also tell you the day of my First Communion, high school graduation and then the last episode of "Full House" aired.  It's a gift.  Anyway, before that day, I had dieted before, once or twice.

• Low-Fat:  This was in high school.  I think I read that book by Susan Powter.  Right afterwards, I eliminated all fat.  I remember going to school with a packed lunch of Tart and Tinys, Swedish Fish and Lemonheads.  Needless to say, I didn't lose much weight, didn't stick with it and never shaved my head into a bleached-blonde buzz.
• "Make the Connection:"  My freshman year of college I went gung-ho on Oprah.  I read all of the Oprah book club books and bought both her diet book and her exercise video.  The book made a lot of sense to me, although I don't really remember much about it now.  I wore out a pair of shoes power-walking around my campus, lost 20 pounds and came home from the summer and gained it all back and more.  Just like Oprah!
• Jenny Craig:  When I transferred schools, I was pretty miserable.  All my local friends were still away at school and I was working in a job that I absolutely hated.  One of my coworkers had recently had some success with Jenny Craig, so I thought I'd give it a whirl.  The food was expensive but I was living at home so I managed to afford it.  I lost fifty pounds and I felt great... until my Nana died and I emotionally ate my way into a larger dress size.  I think Jenny Craig is one of those things you can only do once, because when I tried to go back after a break, I couldn't handle only eating their food.  The experiment was a failure.
• Atkins:  Who didn't try this back in the day?  It was a big switcheroo for me because I'm not a meat-meat-meat kind of lady (please refrain from sexual innuendos, my mother reads this).  I lost some weight but the bad breath and strange icky smell emanating from my body quickly ended this diet.  Bacon as a diet food was really interesting for a while though!
• Have Whatever You Want:  After Atkins, I think I read the description of a diet book advocating eating whatever you wanted whenever you wanted it.  Sold!  I quickly ran out and bought ice cream sandwiches, cookies, carmel corn and brownies.  Two days later, when the cupboard was again bare, I headed back to the grocery store and replaced it.  I think I gained 20 pounds in a month but I still daydream about opening my cabinet and seeing six kinds of cookies.
• "Eat This, Not That" and "Picture-Perfect Weight Loss":  Again discovered that if I am choosing between seven apples and a brownie, the brownie will win every single time. 

 Anyway, in January of 2007, I looked at my bookcase and saw that I owned at least a dozen diet books and yet still I was over 300 pounds.  That made me incredibly sad and angry, so I donated every last one to the Salvation Army and started making teeny changes in my life and taking things one day at a time. 

Strict diet plans are never going to work for me.  If you tell me I can't eat elephant ears, the only thing I'll want to eat for the rest of my life will be elephant ears.  Worrying about how many servings of each food group I eat a day or how many fat grams I consume is something I'll never do again.  Every time I start to go down that road, I end up feeling like a failure and I eat and eat and eat.  I'll never turn down a chance to go out for Mexican food and have a margarita (or two, or three) with dinner and if that means I'll never be below a size 10, that's just the way it's going to be.

The point of this whole study in yo-yo diets is that everyone needs to find a plan that works for them.  I know people who have lost a ton with all of the above methods and I would never fault anyone for trying them.  I firmly believe there's no "one size fits all" diet out there and the only thing I can tell you is what worked for me successfully.

I knew that being 315 lbs was limiting my life and that pissed me off.  The only diet that's worked for me is getting off my butt, working out and watching calories.  Yeah, it's taken three years and counting, and that annoys the crap out of me sometimes, but in the long run, I'd rather be happy and eat what I want than miserable and wearing skinny jeans.  And really, life without an occasional cupcake is not a life I want to live.

Inspiration Sunday: Cathy Clark

 

Photo by Reid Compton and used courtesy of the Tallahassee Democrat

Cathy Clark of Tallahassee, Florida just celebrated her three year anniversary on Weight Watchers.  She's had some peaks and valleys in that time, but she's stuck with it and has lost 116 pounds and gone from barely being able to stand up from a chair to being able to walk for miles at a time.  She's currently only 9 pounds away from her goal and she's still chugging along.

Cathy shared a quote that's brought her inspiration on her weight loss journey:  "Forget the clock and take the compass. The direction you are headed is far more important than the time it takes to get there."  That's pretty inspiring for me, as I also recently celebrated my 3 year weight loss anniversary.  Sometimes it seems like I'll never get there and I occasionally google around for a quick fix, but, like Cathy, I'm in this journey for the long haul.

As a side note, don't you just love those pictures people take when they lose weight where they hold up their gigantic former clothes?  I certainly do!  I took this one about 18 months ago with my size 28 jeans.

 

(The blonde hair was a mistake and yes, it's been corrected.  Blame my mother.  She's always trying to get one of us to go blonde so she looks like her's could be natural)

Wii Fits

My sister Annie came over to try out Wii Fit.  It's a fitness game for the Wii that involves a balance board that measures your balance, along with your weight.  When you register your Mii, the little cartoon who represents you in the game, it does a series of fitness tests on you and then it tells you your Wii fitness age. 

First of all, I can't tell you how great it feels to have this little lady come out to represent me, based on my measurements:

It's difficult to see the perspective from this picture, but trust me when I say my Mii looks like a little fireplug.  Short, squat, fat little squinty eyes and not at all attractive or athletic-looking.  When Mii Taryn comes running out with the Mii's of the rest of my family and friends, you just know she's going to be picked last for the kickball team and will probably cry when she makes the last out in Little League.  Mii Taryn isn't exactly a world-shaker.

Anyway, Annie was extremely excited to try out the Wii Fit and find out her fitness age.  I had already gone through the balance test, endured the humiliation of being told by an animated balance board that I had poor posture and unsteady balance, but at the end found that my fitness age was 30.  All in all, I was happy with that, as I am 31 and have no plans to be in the Olympics anytime soon (a tough decision based on the disgusting rejection of Chicago for the host city in 2016.  Sorry, America, you can kiss your gold medal in the decathlon goodbye, I'm OUT!)  Annie is in much better shape than me and she's thin and works out pretty regularly.  Here's her Mii, the one in red towards the center of the line-up:

Mii Taryn is sleeping over there in the corner, either from narcolepsy or the strain of carrying around that massive squat body of hers.  Anyway, Annie cheerfully hopped on the balance board, went through the steps and anxiously awaited the unveiling of her fitness age.  And it was... 32.

"WHAT?!?!"  The devestation was apparent in her voice.  "32??!?!  I'm 29 years old!!  How is my Wii fit age older than you?"

I made a couple of jokes and teased her about her for a few minutes and then realized (as it always takes me a couple of seconds to do) that she was actually upset about this information.

"Annie, the video game says you're 32.  You're upset that Dr. Super Mario thinks you're out of shape?"  She wouldn't be consoled and I don't think she's gotten anywhere near Wii Fit since, although she's a gigantic fan of the new Super Mario Brothers game.

By the way, I wish I could offer a detailed review of Wii Fit, but I really only ever use it to play the balance board games.  That condescending animated balance board just gets to me though.  One night, while I was recovering from dental surgery and had a face that was swelled up like a watermelon, I signed on only to get "You're up late, TarynItUp.  Did you brush your teeth this evening?"  Enemies come in all shapes and sizes.

Thrill of Victory, Agony of Defeat

So recently I was interviewed for an MSNBC article about the fact that I am a graceful little treadmill ballerina, crashing and flopping around like that skier at the beginning of "Wide World of Sports."  Yesterday, I discovered that people had actually commented on it and this particular one stood out:

Gon2TheDogs

So the newbie fell off the treadmill--dumb, but not earth-shatteringly so. You slip, you fall, you dust yourself off and walk away with a newly learned lesson, right? Not this genius. 

She proceeds to announce she fell off TWICE more and then damaged an expensive piece of equipment by lodging an iPod in it. The employees at this gym have far more patience than I do. After the second fall, I would be saying, "Pay attention or get out." And you bet I'd enforce it after taking the time (and likely, the expense) to pull her iPod out of my machine. This woman is a HUGE liability. Let her buy her own treadmill to destroy.

I laughed so hard thinking of this person reading that article and becoming outraged and motivated enough to write those paragraphs.  Today, though, I have some exciting news for Gon2TheDogs:

Yes, my long-awaited elliptical machine has been delivered and assembled! Today I begin the process of destroying it!  Please watch for news stories out of Chicago about a woman who was running on the elliptical and somehow slipped and went crashing through a window and fell on an iron fence, because that will be me.  Hey, at least there's no belt to drop my iPod down, but if anyone can find a way to do it, I can!

22 Random Things About Me

1.  I am going to marry Brett Favre and have been engaged to him for 11 years, but he doesn’t know it yet.   

2.  I fantasize often that my life is a musical and plan out the song and dance numbers based on various events.  I also cast actors and actresses to play my family and friends but of course I play myself.

3.  When I was seven, I threw my dad’s severed toe at my cousins and neighbors to get back at them for teasing me.  

4.   I got French kissed by a homeless man in a Borders store in front of Dan from the Real World Miami.  That same night I saw Hulk Hogan and Dennis Rodman.

5.   Last weekend, I found a drunk girl in my alley at 3AM and drove her around my neighborhood until she recognized her house.  She cried the entire time and then told me I was pretty.  I am counting it as a date.

6.   My dog has been hit by a car, hit the windshield when I totaled my car and almost drowned under the winter cover in my parents’ pool twice.  I am hoping I am getting this poor supervision thing out of my system in case I have children.

7.   I used to work summers as a janitor at a courthouse.  Sweeping up the parking lots is what made me really hate litter and cigarettes.  

8.   When I was in seventh grade I participated in a riot and destroyed a classroom.

9.   Once I found a baton in the branches of the tree in front of my house.  I think that was a sign from above for me to join a marching band, but I never did.  Sigh.

10.  I have called 911 approximately 20 times.  Growing up near the Evergreen Plaza, people would often run from the police through our backyard and become trapped.  South Side representing.

11.  I saw the Spice Girls in concert in 1997.

12.  I can’t even think about the movies “Amityville Horror 3D,” “The Watcher in the Woods” and “The Exorcist” without feeling panicky.  Also the night vision goggle scene in “Silence of the Lambs.”

13.  Thanks to my weird high school English teacher, I can recite the prologue to the Canterbury Tales in Old English.  Boy howdy that has come in handy in my life.

14.  I can pretty much sing every McDonald’s commercial from the 80’s.  It’s kind of a sickness.

15.  Dick Biondi thinks I am charming and remembered me from 10 years ago.

16.  My first crush was George Michael, which really pretty much set the course for the rest of my life. 

17.  My best friend and I sold worms door-to-door as children and also had a lemonade stand in which we gave out receipts.  I am surprised we are not entrepreneurs.  

18.   I convinced my sister Kerry that she was born with a third arm growing out of the middle of her belly button.  When she ticked me off, I would hold my arm to my stomach and wiggle my fingers and she’d cry. 

19.  I got caught forging a homework notice in fourth grade.  I even added comments under the signature “I’ve discussed this with Taryn and it won’t happen again.” 

20.  When my Pops died, the funeral home put the wrong eyeglasses on him and my Nana made me pull them off of him before anyone else saw them.  I still have nightmares about it, but the fam had fun trying them on during the wake.

21.  I remember getting in trouble in preschool and the teacher saying, “And Taryn… a GIRL!” and I was outraged.  Such a cute little feminist I was. 

22.  Once I took the kids I babysat for to a haunted cemetery and one of them, who will remain nameless, literally pooped in his or her pants, and another one stole toys from a haunted grave.

Poor Oprah

Oprah Winfrey is, of course, a bazillionaire.  That must be nice, but I can't imagine what it would be like to fight such a public battle with your weight.  It seems like every time I go to the grocery store, there are headlines about her hitting 200 pounds, giving up, having gastric bypass secretly or discovering some secret weight-loss trick involving berries and granola bars.  It has to be just exhausting for her.

I'd like to go on the record that I think Oprah looks great at any size I've seen her.  She's confident and smart and I think extra weights looks good on her.  It's obvious, though, thats she's unhappy with it, as she's always embracing a new weight-loss method every time it comes down the chute.  Sugar addicts, Dr. Oz, acai berries, reading "The Secret" and feeling sick about the stupidity- Oprah has tried them all.

It has to be so awful for her, when she's on the upswing of the weight yo-yo, to look in the mirror and think, "Oh crap, it's happening again."  I'm not on TV and I'm ashamed that I put some weight back on.  I can't imagine what it would be like to have people whispering about it wherever I went and to see "fat day" pictures of me plastered across magazine covers.  This is a strong, capable, intelligent woman who raised herself up from dire poverty despite all odds.  It must be so frustrating to have the one thing you can't control be on the outside for the world to see and judge.

And yet, she's still trying.  That's a motivator for me.  Here's Oprah, who is rich enough to say, "Screw it, I'm a size 26 and that's just me."  Instead she keeps trying and keeps looking for a way to eat and exercise that will work for her.  No matter how many blogs or magazines write stories about how big her ass is getting, she gets up the next day, looks in the mirror, puts a smile on her face and soldiers on.

There's also something comforting in knowing that Oprah has the money and the resources to try everything- personal chefs, trainers, surgery, whatever- and she still struggles.  It makes me feel like it's okay to not have a linear path to my ideal weight.  Isn't life about the peaks and valleys after all?  I never knew that saying was about BMI, but it sure fits, doesn't it?

Oh, and by the way, it's time for me to clear up some misconceptions about Chicago that I've run into when I've left the state.  Oprah is not my neighbor.  I've never run into her at the grocery store, and I haven't run into Michael Jordan either.  Also, I don't live in the Sears Tower and actually am not too fond of sausage, Polish or otherwise.  Hope this didn't disappoint anyone too much.

Paparazzi

 

I saw this postcard at PostSecret this weekend and laughed out loud.  

Back when I was in college, I was walking past the library and noticed a cameraman filming me as I walked.  Icy terror washed over me.  My mind raced as I imagined the lead-in for the story:  "Recruitment is way down at colleges everywhere as obesity rates sore."  Worst of all, I was wearing pajama bottoms, an inside-out sweatshirt (what was with that crazy little trend?) (or maybe I am inventing that it was a trend to make myself feel better for being a slob, either one) and I hadn't brushed my hair in two or three days.  Producers of "Gossip Girl," if you're reading, I'm available as a style consultant.

"Wow, Barb, come over here and watch this," an at-home viewer would cluck sympathetically.  "This poor fat girl is out of breath just walking at a snail's pace with her backpack on.  Pass the organic soybean dip, please."

I remember thinking that they'd cut my head off for the shot and that no one would really know it was me, and that my college campus was two hours from my house and no one who knew me well would ever see it anyway.  Visions of the footage being picked up and stored away and used for years for any story about the dangers of fat people raced through my head.  Would a company buy still pictures of it and use it for Before ads in the National Enquirer?  What if Richard Simmons somehow sees it and finds out who I am and drags me on to the Maury Povich show and makes me do overly enthusiastic aerobics in tiny shorts and a spandex top that perfectly showcases every ripple of my fat?  I could feel myself start to sweat.

Years earlier, when I was seven and my sister Annie was four, my uncle took us ice skating.  My mom was usually the type of mother who never let her daughters leave the house without looking like we were posing to be the next series of "American Girl" dolls, but it was a freezing cold day and she bundled us up in the warmest winter gear she could find.  To say we clashed would be an understatement.  That night, at the end of the five o'clock news, there was Annie, oblivious to the camera, skating clumsily and looking like an orphan who had raided a lost and found.  My mother had been horrified.  I couldn't even imagine what she'd think if her oldest daughter became The Face (or Rather Ass) of Obesity in America Today.

Finally, I couldn't take acting nonchalant for another second. "Excuse me," I asked the cameraman, "Why are you taping me walking?"  

"I'm not," the guy answered, looking at me as if there were no reason in the world he'd waste film on someone  like me.  "I'm just checking the light before doing a story on the library construction."