Sunday, December 13, 2009


Well, folks, the Vicodin cloud is lifting.  I can now remember my own name, stay awake for longer than 3 hours at a time and am starting to feel guilty about laying around and doing nothing but watching "Dexter" and "Airline."  The pain is still kind of icky but it's time to fold up the blankets, sleep in my bedroom and not on the couch and maybe actually leave the house for the first time in almost a week.  Oh, and I no longer look like I'm auditioning for the new Chipmunks movie or as some horror movie slasher named Balloonhead.

So as I mentioned, I can't eat solid food until January 5th.  No chewing at all.  You'd think that the prospect of unlimited soup, ice cream, pudding and chopped up macaroni and cheese would make me quiver with excitement, but actually it's not the thrill you'd imagine it would be.

Now I was a little worried to see how seven days of laying around drinking milkshakes and eating chocolate pudding would affect the ole weight loss plan.  I hadn't weighed myself since the middle of November, so tonight I figured I'd bite the bullet and hop on the evil, evil scale.

I've lost 15 pounds!  I could officially be a spokesperson for the couch potato diet.  Now I wouldn't recommend letting someone cut your face open and implant bones into your mouth and stitch the whole thing up, but 15 pounds was a nice consolation prize for my pain and suffering.  That and the pictures of myself with cheeks the size of fists, which of course I'll cherish forever.

Friday, December 11, 2009

How Am I Feeling? Swell!

I've been away for a few days.  I am hoping the following picture explains why:

 It's a long story, but basically I had to have a bone graft in my mouth to replace bone removed due to an infection a few months ago.  Surgery in sinuses does not a happy face make, my friends.  Can you even imagine looking in the mirror and seeing this ravishing beauty?  It's a dream come true.

Also I can't chew for four weeks.  Merry Christmas!  Happy New Year! 

I'll be back soon, but until then don't feel too sorry for me as I have Vicodin and Netflix OnDemand to keep me company.  

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Cooking Light All-American Chili

I even took out my fancy camera instead of just using my phone to spiff up this picture, but I don't think chili is very photogenic.

I love chili because it's easy to make, lasts in the fridge for a long time and is pretty healthy for you.  Because I live by myself (no cats, though. I still have at least ten years before I become a crazy cat lady) I usually make a pot of chili and eat it for lunch and dinner for three or four days.  And no, women don't pass gas, just in case you were thinking I was leading up to a fart joke.

Side story.  When I was about two, my mom was giving me a bath and I tooted in the water.  I looked startled, then said to her, "I burped in my pants!"  For years, all the children in my family were required to call the expulsion of gas "burping in your pants."  This is because fart is a bad word, apparently.  Even now, although I am much too sophisticated to use the burping-in-your-pants term, I still call farting tooting.  Fancy classy grown-up lady that I am.

Anyway, this is Cooking Light's All-American Chili recipe.  It has the highest rating out of all the chili recipes on their site with 178 people singing its praises. And you know, it was pretty good.  I'd rate it an 8/10.  I think I might like things abnormally spicy, because this was kind of bland to me.  Next time I might use more jalapenos or maybe go really crazy and add some Chipotle peppers in adobo sauce just to spice it up a bit.

I've been eating it for three days now and yes, I do have a dog I can blame any kind of rude bodily functions on, thank you very much.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Diet Coke Head

Hi, my name is Taryn and I am, without a doubt, addicted to Diet Coke.

Like all addicts, I try to justify my dependence on it.  I've never smoked or done drugs, I only drink once or twice a month and I have never once participated in either a dog or a cock fight.

Of course I tell myself I can quit anytime I want, but then I start jonesing for it in the middle of the night and have to run to 7-11 at 2 AM for more.  In fact, lately especially, I rarely drink else.  I'm an addict and I admit it.

The weird thing is it's not even that delicious.  It's expensive and all that packaging is bad for the earth, even when it's recycled.  And of course, who knows what kind of chemicals and stuff are coursing through that brown nectar of the gods?

I've quit in the past, cold turkey, for months and months, only to fall off the wagon.  I know it's important to drink water, no matter how boring it is, and I know that study after study show the importance of water consumption for weight loss.  So reluctantly, I'm giving up the sauce.  Heavy sigh.

This week, I'm drinking two glasses of water or Crystal Light Cherry Pomegranate (oh man is this stuff great, it tastes like Cherry Kool-Aid) for every Diet Coke I drink.  I'm going to slooowwwwly wean myself off of it until it's only a special occasion kind of thing.

Again, if life was fair, Diet Coke would be a health food and the more you drank, the skinnier you'd be!