H2 Oh No

So I quit drinking Diet Coke.  Colors aren't as bright, children's voices are grating instead of uplifting and even "Millionaire Matchmaker" doesn't have the same weird indescribable draw for me now.  The world is a less caffeinated and less fizzy place.  Heavy sigh.

I did some googling for "what to drink instead of soda" (I am reluctantly saying soda, even though in Chicago we properly pronounce it "pop," because I have traveled around the US and seen people's puzzled expressions when I say "PAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHP" in my lovely Chicago accent).  The experts all agreed that a good alternative was to take a shot of 100% fruit juice and add it to seltzer water or tonic water.  Off I went to the grocery store in order to stage the Great Pop-Soda Alternative Taste Test of 2010.

Here we go.  100% cherry juice, 100% cranberry juice, seltzer water and diet tonic water.  I refrigerated them all overnight just to give them a fighting chance against the sparkling loveliness that is an ice-cold Diet Coke.  I thought personally that this was very sporting of me.

Problem #1:  Cherry juice doesn't come out Technicolor pink.  Mixed with the tonic water, I'd have to say the concoction looked a little bit like the pee of a very dangerously dehydrated individual.

Yummmm.  I couldn't wait to dive right into that!  When I did, I almost had to spit it out in the sink.  It tasted like salty water with some kind of bitter, battery undertone.  I thought maybe the cherry juice went bad or something until I took a sip of seltzer water and discovered boy howdy that stuff is repulsively awful!  How do people drink that??  It is worse than Diet Pepsi, which is saying a lot.

Then I mixed the cherry juice with the diet tonic water.  Much better but still a little off.  I looked at the label of the 100% cherry juice and discovered the first ingredient was apple juice.  That's what it tasted like.  My dreams of homemade delicious Cherry 7 Up were shattered.

The cranberry juice at least LOOKED a lot more artificial and kiddy cocktailish than the cherry juice.  I tried it with the seltzer water in the name of science and again almost died of ick, but with the diet tonic water it was actually pretty okay.  Did you know that tonic water is one of the only ways you can get quinine in your diet?  When I had tummy tuck surgery almost two years ago (don't worry, I'll write about that soon with some TLC 500 Pound Virgin-worthy pictures) the surgeon prescribed tonic water to help regrow nerves in that area.  No, I didn't find him by consulting Dr. Google and he had a very respectable office in the Playboy Building in Chicago.  Hmmm, that's food for thought, actually... moving on.

Next, I mixed cherry juice with iced tea.  Again, cherry juice was a real disappointment.  I was imagining more maraschino and less apple juice.  Don't even bother ever buying it because it was also like five bucks.  It might work with vodka but only the 3rd drink and on.  The tea-cranberry combo was also like kind of meh too.  The experiment, I'm afraid, was a miserable fizzy failure.

I am still searching for something as wonderful as Diet Coke.  The last few days, I've been drinking boring old water, water with lemon, iced tea and Crystal Light, but I miss the little fizz that whispers lovingly when you open a pop... sorry, soda can.  If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.  I'm currently looking at my glass of water with disdain bordering on hatred, feelings I usually reserve only for the Beach Boys.