The Sturdy Thirties

I cried at a bar just minutes after officially turning thirty.  It wasn't that I was worried about getting older.  I felt like I had wasted a good portion of my 20's being depressed and letting my insecurity about my weight limit me.  At 29 I lost a hundred pounds, and just when it seemed like my 20's were improving, BAM, I turned thirty.  It just didn't seem fair and I found myself mourning what I felt was a lost decade.

Of course, alcohol might have also played a small factor.

Classy as always.  Anyway, despite entering the decade under a veil of tears, so far my 30's have been pretty incredible.   You've all heard that expression "What other people think of you is none of your business?"  I always thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard, but since turning thirty, I am totally on board with it.  I've stopped trying to be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, etc and started just being myself.  No longer do I wonder why my neighbors don't reply when I say hello in the morning or worry what people will think about what I buy in a grocery store.  I'm so much more comfortable in my own skin that, even when faced with evidence that there are people who don't like me, I just can't bring myself to care a lot (yes, hidden Care Bears reference).  I like myself and since I've turned thirty, that's been enough.

Since I've turned thirty, I've pursued every guy I've had a crush on, with the exception of Mr. Favre.  Once that restraining order expires I have big plans with him too.  Yeah, rejection is still hard, but you know how when you were a teenager your mother would tell you it was his loss?  Now that I'm thirty, I believe that.  I would never want to try to make something work with someone who felt forced to be with me, and since realizing that, it's been a lot easier to move on.  Also, with my new self-confidence, it seems like more people are interested in me, which has been a nice surprise.  

So I started this blog and recently told people I know in real life about it.  I am sure some of them have been shocked about the content.  Believe it or not, I've never been a real feeling-sharer, and some of the stuff I've discussed on here is probably a little embarrassing.  But you know what?  I don't care.  This is me, take it or leave it.  I can't pretend to be something I'm not anymore, and I can't be embarrassed by any of the strengths and weaknesses that make me me.  

I finally understand the quote above and try to remind myself of it anytime a fleeting moment of insecurity rears its ugly head.  After wasting a decade of my life paralyzed with doubt and worry and fear, it feels like a miracle that turning thirty has changed my outlook so much.  It might have been rung in with tears, but I'm happy to say that this has been my best decade yet.

Please remind me of all this on July 6, 2018 when I'm crying in a bar about turning forty.