Give me some credit, though. Rather than cause a stink, I very quietly sat and watched the rest of the movie. When the credits came up, I said, "Guys, I don't mean to alarm you but I lost a tooth halfway through the movie." And yes, I suffered a lot of teasing for this and probably will never live it down. Let me tell you, there's nothing like having to go to your 31st birthday party the day after losing one of your teeth. My friends gleefully took pictures of me in front of a sign advertising Hillbilly Beer and in general made an awful lot of jokes about Appalachia. Happy Birthday to me!
Anyway, in my mind, the dentist could pop a fake tooth in there and I'd be good to go within hours. Not quite. I've had three pretty serious dental surgeries already to remove infected parts of my jawbone and prepare the area for an implant. They did give me a flipper, which is a plastic tooth on a sort of retainer, heavily favored by the lovely little ladies of "Toddler and Tiaras." However, I hate the way I talk with the thing in, so I really only wear it every once in a while, meaning that most of the time, I've looked like this for the last eight months:
No camera trickery. That's me, my identical twin sister Garyn and my baby sister Kerry who has a pinched head. No, really, it is camera trickery. Don't ask me to explain it, just get the general idea of how lovely I look with a gigantic gaping hole in my mouth.
So the gist of my point is I haven't been feeling very attractive as of late. The weight gain (although I'm pretty much back to the weight I was a year ago) coupled with the missing tooth and some lovely stress-induced adult acne have really put a damper on me strutting my stuff quite as much as I would like. Normally, I don't spend a lot of time worrying about looks, but I think these three issues have combined to really stomp on my self-confidence, and of course, that is never good.
This weekend, I went out with some of my cousins and was so proud of myself for wearing the flipper tooth the whole time. I was a teensy bit tipsy by the end of the night, and I took the flipper off in the car while my cousin was driving me home. I swear that I put it carefully into my purse, but apparently I didn't because the next morning, I found the flipper smashed in four pieces in my building's parking lot. DA DA dummmmmm.
This wouldn't be a huge big deal, because as I said before, I rarely wear the thing anyway. In two months, the bone implant I had put in my jaw should be healed enough to implant the new fake tooth. The problem? In 11 days, I am serving as the minister at one of my cousin's weddings. I was ordained over the internet in 2001 as a big hilarious funny joke. It's funny because although I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school for 20 years, I'm not really a religious person at all. My cousin thought it would be hysterical if she had me do the ceremony for her and you know what happens when you deny those bridezillas. I don't want to lose an eye if she attacks.
So the odds are I will probably be a minister with a missing tooth and teenage acne at 31 years old. Somehow, I thought the problems of adulthood would be different than those of a 13 year old freaking out because she lost her retainer, but apparently not. I can't wait to see the pictures! I'm considering wearing a fake mustache and maybe an Easter Bunny costume just to draw attention away from it, but I'm not sure the bride will give the okay on that.
On the bright side, I suppose it could be worse and I could still look the way I did after my third surgery:
In retrospect, you really don't notice the tooth or the acne much there. Hmmm, food for thought.