Tuesday, March 2, 2010

The Whole Tooth and Nothing But the Tooth

At the end of June, I was sitting in a movie theater with two of my friends, happily watching "Public Enemy."  Sure, the movie was a stinker but Johnny Depp is cute, so sue me.  Anyway, halfway through the movie, I bit down and felt something crack.  My tooth had broken at the jawbone and fell out in my hand.

Give me some credit, though.  Rather than cause a stink, I very quietly sat and watched the rest of the movie.  When the credits came up, I said, "Guys, I don't mean to alarm you but I lost a tooth halfway through the movie."  And yes, I suffered a lot of teasing for this and probably will never live it down.  Let me tell you, there's nothing like having to go to your 31st birthday party the day after losing one of your teeth.  My friends gleefully took pictures of me in front of a sign advertising Hillbilly Beer and in general made an awful lot of jokes about Appalachia.  Happy Birthday to me!

Anyway, in my mind, the dentist could pop a fake tooth in there and I'd be good to go within hours.  Not quite.  I've had three pretty serious dental surgeries already to remove infected parts of my jawbone and prepare the area for an implant.  They did give me a flipper, which is a plastic tooth on a sort of retainer, heavily favored by the lovely little ladies of "Toddler and Tiaras."  However, I hate the way I talk with the thing in, so I really only wear it every once in a while, meaning that most of the time, I've looked like this for the last eight months:


No camera trickery.  That's me, my identical twin sister Garyn and my baby sister Kerry who has a pinched head.  No, really, it is camera trickery.  Don't ask me to explain it, just get the general idea of how lovely I look with a gigantic gaping hole in my mouth.

So the gist of my point is I haven't been feeling very attractive as of late.  The weight gain (although I'm pretty much back to the weight I was a year ago) coupled with the missing tooth and some lovely stress-induced adult acne have really put a damper on me strutting my stuff quite as much as I would like.  Normally, I don't spend a lot of time worrying about looks, but I think these three issues have combined to really stomp on my self-confidence, and of course, that is never good.

This weekend, I went out with some of my cousins and was so proud of myself for wearing the flipper tooth the whole time.  I was a teensy bit tipsy by the end of the night, and I took the flipper off in the car while my cousin was driving me home.  I swear that I put it carefully into my purse, but apparently I didn't because the next morning, I found the flipper smashed in four pieces in my building's parking lot.  DA DA dummmmmm.

This wouldn't be a huge big deal, because as I said before, I rarely wear the thing anyway.  In two months, the bone implant I had put in my jaw should be healed enough to implant the new fake tooth.  The problem?  In 11 days, I am serving as the minister at one of my cousin's weddings.  I was ordained over the internet in 2001 as a big hilarious funny joke.  It's funny because although I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school for 20 years, I'm not really a religious person at all.  My cousin thought it would be hysterical if she had me do the ceremony for her and you know what happens when you deny those bridezillas.  I don't want to lose an eye if she attacks.

So the odds are I will probably be a minister with a missing tooth and teenage acne at 31 years old.  Somehow, I thought the problems of adulthood would be different than those of a 13 year old freaking out because she lost her retainer, but apparently not.  I can't wait to see the pictures!  I'm considering wearing a fake mustache and maybe an Easter Bunny costume just to draw attention away from it, but I'm not sure the bride will give the okay on that.

On the bright side, I suppose it could be worse and I could still look the way I did after my third surgery:


In retrospect, you really don't notice the tooth or the acne much there.  Hmmm, food for thought.

10 comments:

  1. I don't think you look so bad without the tooth. At least in your camera trickery picture. :) Besides people will focus so much on the bride they won't notice during the ceremony.

    PS - I am Catholic and went to Catholic school for 10 years and am not religious either. What did they do to us???? LOL!

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  2. You did not tell me about the smashed flipper. Also, Kerry looks terrifying in that picture.

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  3. Patty- I could answer that but it might take about forty pages of reply ;) Thank you for being kind and saying people won't notice. I am not sure I believe you but I appreciate the effort.

    Annie, from now on I am only communicating with you through this website. Deal with it.

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  4. I broke a tooth over Christmas. Fortunately, it was a back tooth, and it turned out I only lost the corner of it, so I was able to get it fixed pretty quickly. I have a TON of dental work I need done, but can't afford.

    I hear you on the acne thing, too. I have pcos, so I will randomly get acne depending on how my hormones want to act one day. I have a lovely example on my chin right now. Causes weight gain, too. Last year, I gained 20 lbs for really no reason at all. I don't feel very attractive either lately.

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  5. I found your blog the other day and I really enjoy reading what you write! I have read your previous entries; you have a great sense of humor!!

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  6. Laura, dental stuff is the worst. And that PCOS has to suck! I'm sorry. Is there treatment available for it?

    Yelah, thank you! I'm glad you like it!

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  7. I feel you on the tooth thing. I have a big hole where a molar should be, although mine is because I was born without a permanent tooth there. There is still a piece of baby molar in there, which I'm sure makes it that much more attractive. It's far enough back that I don't think it shows up in pictures.

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  8. Wow, that last pic looks like somebody punched you!!!

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  9. Kim, I am sure it doesn't show since it's a molar, but I am glad I am not the only toothless hillbilly in Chicago.

    Anonymous, yes, it does. Then he charged me thousands of dollars for the privilege of walking around looking like that for a week.

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  10. I don't think you look so bad without the tooth. At least in your camera trickery picture. :) Besides people will focus so much on the bride they won't notice during the ceremony.

    PS - I am Catholic and went to Catholic school for 10 years and am not religious either. What did they do to us???? LOL!

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