Progress Report

Jess L. totally called me out in the comments of my last post.  Yes, I know I haven't posted progress stats in a couple of weeks.  Part of the reason is because I am doing miles for Lyme Disease this month and planned on reporting on progress at the end of June.  Unfortunately, that's not the only reason.

Here lies one of the drawbacks of blogging.  Believe it or not, I'm a pretty private person and I play my cards pretty close to my chest, particularly when it comes to my failures.  It's hard for me to write about sucking at something knowing that so many people I know are reading it.  However, I promised myself when I started this thing that I was going to always be honest, so I guess there's really no getting around this.

I am not doing super great on the weight loss front.  In fact, I'm kind of terrified to step on the scale right now.

Positive stuff first:  I'm eating home-cooked meals a lot more often.  The organic produce thing is going great.  I tried hon tsai tai, watercress and radishes and liked them all.  I joined a new gym and have been putting in the miles, both on the treadmill and walking the dog.  I haven't been sitting around like a lump on a log every night.  I'm doing part of the work.

The problem?  Well, I have been eating a lot.  I met a new fella in my life and I think we're at the stage where we are trying to impress each other with how much we can eat.  The problem is that he bragged he had to make an extra hole in his belt because it was too big.  Me?  Not so much.  In fact, someone (who shall remain nameless) might have called me an Irish sausage this weekend.  It's funny because it's kind of true, and that ring of truth chimed out loud and clear.  The "inner fat girl" seems more outer than inner lately.

The truth really is that I feel pretty comfortable at the weight I have been at lately, before this tiny sidetrack began.  When I was 30 lbs smaller, I would look in the mirror and not recognize myself.  I am at the size now where I feel most like me, for better or for worse.  Normally I am just fine with that.  I don't want to be thin- I want to be healthy and I want to be strong.  Yes, I want to lose weight, but I don't want to obsess about it or start doing dangerous stuff to reach a goal more quickly.  I've been down that path before and I'd rather not revisit it. 

However, I feel out of control on the eating front lately and it's making me a little bit miserable.  I feel like a hypocrite writing about my weight loss journey on here and being afraid to step on a scale and assess the damage.  I also hate reading blogs where people are constantly making excuses for themselves, so I want to avoid that here.  I know this ripple of feeling bad about my body is temporary, and I know it's my fault.  I'm planning on not beating myself up over it but perhaps attempt to stop training for a non-existent competitive eating competition.  Man, I would kick some serious butt at one of those lately, particularly if it involved ice cream.

But I digress.  The main point here is that I'm sticking with it and not giving up on this.  It's hard for me to admit that I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty sure you gathered that already.  I don't want to throw away almost four years of hard work and go back to the way I was before, so I have to curb this little bingey period pretty quick and move on with actual progress instead of dragging my feet.  I know this is a marathon and not a sprint, blah blah blah, insert motivational quotes here.