Thursday, June 3, 2010

A Billion Skinny People in China Can't Be Wrong

During my freshman year of college, I decided I needed to lose some weight.  My roommate Anne jumped on the bandwagon to support me.

Anne was my very first friend.  We moved in across the street from her family when I was five years old and bonded instantly, running naked through the sprinkler on the first afternoon we met.  This is a requirement I have for all my friends.


We roomed together in college and for the first semester, we spent hours wondering why we were having so much trouble making friends.  Well, let's see.  We had pictures of monster trucks all over our dorm room because we thought they were funny, we grew mold in an old pretzel container as a science experiment and we rarely went to class, preferring instead to sit around in our pajamas all day watching "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper" reruns.  Oh, and once we put a hat on my head, sprayed it with hairspray and went down the hall and knocked on someone's door.  Right before they answered it, Anne very quickly lit the hat on fire.  The poor girl answered her door to find someone standing outside with her head ablaze.  We honestly should have written a book about making friends in college.

So how did I decide to lose weight?  Diet and exercise?  Maybe stop drinking Coke and eating a pound of Reese's Pieces every evening?  No no.  Way too complicated.  We started eating exclusively with chopsticks.  The science behind this diet plan was that the cumbersome task of using chopsticks as utensils would slow the pace of me shoveling food into my mouth, therefore reducing the number of calories I would eat.  Genius, right?  I thought so, and imagined myself going on Oprah, svelte and fit, rich enough to eat exclusively with diamond-covered chopsticks.  A lady can dream, can't she?

It worked, for about a day.  Then we got really great at eating with chopsticks. We were eating pizza with chopsticks, M&Ms with chopsticks, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with chopsticks... you name it and I learned how to pick it up with chopsticks.  My butt did not get any smaller, but my fingers became well-exercised and slim.  If I wanted to be a hand model back in the day, that career door was wide open for me.

Now, fourteen years later (holy crap, how is THAT possible??  I just ruined my own day by figuring that out.  I am old) I can eat Chinese food like a champ.  It is always impressive on a date when I show him how I can pick up a single grain of rice with chopsticks.  That's a great conversation starter.

5 comments:

  1. hahahahha I just laughed so hard at this entry!! I love the part about the head being "ablaze." I can just picture it!
    Oh you girls.. you just didn't fit in with the Catholic School. hahha

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  2. I loved Hangin' With Mr. Cooper!!! I know that was not the point of the story, but still a great show! My husband is 1/2 Asian so trying to impress him on a date I started using chop sticks. Well 1/2 way though dinner I was so hungry I started stabbing the sushi with the chop sticks, needless to say he just laughed.

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  3. Why didn't you knock on my door with a hat ablaze?

    I was laughing out loud at this. There is no way I could explain it to my four year old nate though.

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  4. I loved Hangin' With Mr. Cooper!!! I know that was not the point of the story, but still a great show! My husband is 1/2 Asian so trying to impress him on a date I started using chop sticks. Well 1/2 way though dinner I was so hungry I started stabbing the sushi with the chop sticks, needless to say he just laughed.

    ReplyDelete