Here We Come a Caroling

As much as I love Christmas music, a few of the songs always make me scratch my head and think, probably a lot deeper than the lyricist intended.

“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”   I often wonder what happened after the song ends.  Does Rudolph immediately embrace his new social status, drop down to their level and make fun of Jimmy the Blue-Nosed Reindeer?  Does he tell all the other reindeers who laughed and called him names to jump in the Arctic Ocean and buy himself a mansion with his mad Santa money?  Too many unanswered question on this one.

“Frosty the Snowman” A jolly number about a strange adult male visitor who smokes a pipe and constantly reminds the children around him that one day he will melt and die.  Grab the candy canes and garland!  That puts me in the Christmas mood.

“Silver Bells” You’ll hear bells on every street corner.  Get ready to feel guilty for not giving any cash to the half-frozen Salvation Army guy.

“Little Drummer Boy”  Baby Jesus got the worst gifts ever.  Gold, frankincense, myrrh and a song played on a drum by some little kid?  Have you ever heard a child play with a toy drum?  I’d rather get a savings bond and some nice warm underwear.

“White Christmas” One word: Racist.

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” Listen to those lyrics.  Terrifying!  Don’t shout, don’t cry, don’t worry, kids, but just so you know, a guy is visiting briefly who sees you when you’re sleeping, and there will be repercussions if you don’t measure up to his idea of model behavior.  Run, children, run!

“Jingle Bells” Picture this: You’re riding behind a horse and you’re probably downwind.  It’s freezing.  There are bells incessantly jingling everywhere.  Oh what fun?  What are you, a mental patient?

“Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”  Everyone’s dancing merrily in the new old-fashioned way, and I know I’d just feel awkward like when everyone knows the steps to that one “Slidddee to the Left” song at wedding receptions. Where do they learn this?  Did I miss a day of gym class or something?

“Winter Wonderland” So these people make a snowman and pretend it’s a religious figure and then promise to let him marry them the next time he’s in town.  Sounds like some sort of hypothermia-induced hallucination to me.  I'm kind of terrified to imagine what plans they made that they will be facing unafraid later.

“12 Days of Christmas” I know this guy is supposedly her true love, but this screams out stalker behavior to me.  “Carol, Mike is outside again… he brought more effing birds.”

“We Need a Little Christmas” From the frantic pace of this song, they don’t need a little Christmas; they need a LOT of Valium.