My dad has become obsessed with the Kardashians. He is 66 years old.
"Did you hear about Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries?" This was asked breathlessly on the day he returned from golfing in Nevada.
"Um, yes... that's a, um, shame."
"I think she's a gold digger. He seems like a nice enough guy, just dumb as a box of rocks."
"You know who I don't like? Her sister, Choe-lee. She's got a nasty mouth on her."
All of this is interesting because I do not watch the Kardashian's show. My mom and my sisters do not watch it either. I have never seen it playing in the ten soul-crushing months I have been living here. This means that my dad, age 66, has been keeping up with "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" at work.
A few days later, I told him that TMZ reported that Kim was flying to Minnesota to meet with Kris.
"Oh I hope so! I was just raking leaves in the backyard and I dropped the rake and got on my knees and prayed that they'd reconcile."
I think he was kidding. Please let him be kidding.
I was Khloe Kardashian for Halloween in 2009. It required three throw pillows stuffed into a pair of panty hose to give me a booty.
Also strange is that I keep getting receipts from iTunes because my beloved mother has been downloading games for the iPad. Mirror Mysteries, Mystic Diary, Murder in Rue Morgue, Stray Souls. She apparently has become quite the supernatural gamer.
The other day I ended up with another elderly hitchhiker in my car. Yes, this is a pattern for me. This time, the guy had seen me crutching my way across the library parking lot. He held up his cane. "One day at a time, right sweetheart?" We were limpin' buddies. I had to drive him the two miles to the grocery store.
We had just started out on our journey when a squirrel ran out in front of the car. I braked and let it pass. "Oh you're just like me!" Edward the hitchhiker exclaimed. "I don't like to kill anything any more."
Immediately I thought about this season of "Dexter." There had been an elderly man who was a serial killer back in the day who may or may not have started up his hobby again. No spoilers from me. Anyway, I suddenly knew that this guy was a former murderer and now he was sitting next to me in my beloved Buick.
Yeah, nothing happened. I dropped him at Walt's and he let me know that he didn't care for the name Taryn at all, much preferring Karen. I thanked him and went on my way.
If I am found murdered, please tell the police about Edward. He would be the number one suspect, followed by Choe-lee Kardashian, followed by my supernatural video game obsessed mother. Thank you in advance.