Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscar the Ouch

Best Performance on Oscar Night 2011 goes to my sister Kerry.


  • Despite what you see in this video, my parents are not Hoarders.  They're remodeling.  
  • Why is there a twin bed in my mom's living room?  I've been recuperating on it.  It's very "Terms of Endearment.
  • There were no other injuries this Oscar Night.  Sorry to disappoint you, Patty!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Brace Yourselves

Quickly popping in to say I am still alive.  My back joint dislocated again, so the new plan is to get fitted with a brace type thing on Monday.  Fingers crossed that this helps.  Cooper is becoming way too accustomed to life in the suburbs.  He has mall hair now, worships Justin Bieber and says "like" a lot.

On the good new front, somehow I managed to have an entire box of those little pieces of manna from heaven, Samoas Girl Scout cookies, and I only ate two of them a day.  This is a new record for me, breaking my previous Samoa Longevity Record of half an hour.  Progress!

Happy Oscar Weekend!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Notes from the Trenches

I'm STILL down in the 'burbs recovering from the Great Back-Hip Debacle of 2010-2011.  Since I've been a bad blogger, I figured I'd share with you guys a little bit about what life is like convalescing at my parents' insane asylum home.

  • My family is treating me like I'm made of glass.  Every time I stand up, one will yell "NO BENDING!  NO TWISTING!"  Yesterday, my mom and Aunt Jen went down to U of I to visit my cousin Johnny the Nerdasaurus and my aunt fretted about leaving me alone.  She knew my beautiful goddaughter Jamie was coming over and she worried that I'd walk over to open the garage door and forget about the step before the back door and fall, breaking my neck and who knows what else.  Somehow I managed being alone for three hours without reinjuring myself.  My aunt considers it a miracle.
  • Today my mother took me to physical therapy.  Before we left, she promised Cooper she'd bring him a prize if he was a good dog.  Observe Cooper chowing down on a cheeseburger from Culver's.
  • My dad famously is scared of dogs.  When he was a kid, a relative of his shot a dog in the head rather than put it to sleep.  He buried it in the back yard.  The next day, all of the kids were playing in the yard and the dog dug itself out of its grave.  That would probably traumatize most people and is another example of the quality DNA I inherited from my relatives.
  • Anyway, my dad and Coop have bonded.  He takes him for a walk in the golf course across the street from the house.  The other day he let Cooper off the leash, thinking the dog was well-behaved and would stay with him.  Cooper ran off and into back yards blocks away while my dad trucked through 24 inches of snow attempting to catch him.  He told one of the neighbors that if he lost the dog his daughter would end up in a nut house.  When they returned home, he announced that Cooper was "in disgrace."
  • Speaking of "in disgrace," my mother attempted to ground me from my phone because I made a slightly off-color remark.  Yes, I'm 32.  I think she was joking.  I hope she was joking.
  • Yesterday, Kerry, Jamie and I watched the sociological masterpiece "Jersey Shore" with props.

  • My wonderful friends sent me these beautiful flowers.  They didn't even demand pain pills in return.  I'm a lucky lady.

  • Other than that, not much is new.  My back is a lot better and has not dislocated again, yippee.  The stupid hip is still all jacked up, so I still need my aunt Jen to follow me around screaming "NO BENDING!  NO TWISTING!"  I don't know what I would do without her.

Monday, February 14, 2011

My Furry Valentine

Happy Valentine's Day!  As you can see, Cooper is just thrilled about it.

We're still at my parents' house.  I still have a dislocated SI joint in my back and I am still confined to bed and the couch.  Yes, we're at three weeks now.  I'm frustrated and a little bored, but I feel grateful that I have a job I can do from home.  I can't even imagine the problems I'd be facing if I had an office job or something like that.

I have physical therapy three times a week.  The therapist realigns me, uses ultrasound waves on my hip, then attaches electrical cords and gives me low-level electric shock.  I've wondered once or twice if I am being treated at an 1800's insane asylum instead of a 2011 physical therapist's office.  If she mentions a padded room or a straight jacket, I'm going to be very suspicious.

So anyway, it hasn't been much fun.  It's painful and boring and I think my parents are regretting ever inviting me over to watch the Bears game three weeks ago.  I'm like the house guest who never leaves.  My sisters and my parents have been entertaining me, and my aunt Jen and my beautiful goddaughter Jamie come over almost every day.  Mom and Jen have cocktail hour and Jamie and I have cheese and crackers and talk about the Kardashians.  People say laughter is the best medicine, but I find discussing the butt sizes of those sisters is a close second.

EDITED TO ADD:  My mother just said, "I don't need a thoughtful gift.  A thoughtful gift is your smile."  I think she's been dipping into my pain meds.  Hmmmm.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Packer Smacker

  • Congrats to the Wisconsin people who read here, Jess and Tiffany, on the big Super Bowl win for their beloved Packers.  I rooted for their team in the Super Bowl, but when they won I admit I had a sick feeling in my stomach.  Bring on 2011, the Year of the Bear!  (Delusion, my old friend, nice to have you back!)
  • I'm still in the 'burbs at my mom and dad's house.  Still pretty much bed-ridden.  Cooper is in high heaven.

  • Notice my mother giving me the side-eye in that picture.  I think she's sick of me.  Maybe she's poisoning my food.  If I die, you guys should inform the coroner of this blog.
  • My first day of physical therapy was yesterday.  The therapist discovered I have a strained and sprained SI joint, which is the joint joining your pelvis and your spine (I think, science has never been my strong suit).  The ligaments were so stretched that the joint was completely disconnected (technical term, I'm sure).  She got it back in place and taped it, did ultrasound therapy and shock therapy (not like in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest") and she ordered me on bedrest until at least Friday.  I'm still in crazy pain but it's nice to at least have an idea of what the heck is going on now.  
  • If you're in Chicago, see "Les Miserables" at the Cadillac Theater.  My sisters, mom, aunt and beautiful goddaughter went on Saturday and it was incredible.  It's a new rendition of it without the revolving stage, but it's wonderful.  I'm still crying at the death scenes (or maybe the pain of sitting upright for three hours.)
  • That's about all the news that's fit to type out for today.  I would welcome book and movie recommendations if you've got them.  My sister Kerry gave me "Dark Places" by Chicagoan Gillian Flynn and it was terrific.  

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Spinal Tap Tap Tap

On Tuesday, I finally had an MRI of my back in an attempt to figure out the Mystery of the Debilitating Pain.  It went well, meaning that I didn't panic and start pressing buttons and scream for the technician to get me the hell out of the tube.  The technician also let me listen to her CD of "Born in the USA" during the procedure, so I'm sure my spine stood even straighter with patriotism and pride of my American citizenship.

They made a mistake of giving me a CD-Rom of the MRI pictures.  Since we had a blizzard yesterday, I haven't gotten results yet.  This means that I have been googling around looking at spinal conditions and comparing them to my spine for three days now.  For a while I was sure I diagnosed prostate problems and maybe a penile hernia, but that turned out to be a dead-end.

Today, however, I loaded up the image viewer and discovered the real cause of all my back problems.

Look closely.  Can you see it?

I am obviously suffering from a case of Pokemon Fever, at least a decade after it was fashionable.  Alert the New England Journal of Medicine.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Snow My God!

Remember that movie "The Day After Tomorrow?"  We're living it right now.  18 inches of snow since yesterday and counting.

My elderly father is shoveling and snow-blowing outside.  I ran out and told him to be careful and said I'd keep an eye out for him lying on the ground having cardiac arrest.  He said, "If you see me on the ground, make sure I'm not just making a snow angel before you do CPR."

I've been in the 'burbs for thirteen days.  Now I'm snowed in with my mom, dad and Kerry.  We are sizing up Cooper and figuring out what size roasting pan we'd need for him if we had to butcher him for food.

This is (so far) the fifth biggest snowstorm the Chicago area has ever had, and I just happen to be on bed-rest unable to help out with the shoveling.  Maybe my luck is finally turning around!

Stay warm!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

A Snowy (Birth)Day

Nineteen years ago, I became a teenage mother.  Well, godmother, if you want to get technical, but I couldn't love my own child more than I love my beautiful goddaughter Jamie.

We're in the middle of a blizzard in Chicago so Jamie gets to have snow days for her birthday and watch sappy movies on cable and eat birthday cake.  I'm sure that's the best present she's had in years.  

Love you, Jamie Cakes!