Monday, May 21, 2012

Aunt Taryn's House of Extreme Danger

You know you had a totally killer party when, five days later, the chalk drawings are still covering your driveway.

I hosted my first big party at the new place on Mother's Day.  When my cousins and their children arrived, I happily greeted them, "Hey kids!  Hope you like facial scars!"  Cooper crept around the outskirts of the party like a lion on the Serengeti stalking his prey.  (Okay, not really, but I was a little worried his face biting reputation would ruin the party.  Not so, everyone was firmly in Cooper's corner on this one).

My new house is on a creek, a slow moving creek that runs through several golf courses in town.  As a result, it's filled with something that resembles "water" but might be, in reality, something closer to what Madame Curie studied back in the day.  All day long, the parents yelled at the kids to stay away from the creek.  I think they were either afraid of an accidental drowning or of someone falling in and their skin turning green like the Hulk.

Since it was a beautiful day, most of the party ended up on one of the two decks looking out into the backyard.  Who wouldn't want to see a possible toxic chemical accident involving children, after all?  My cousin's husband, an engineer, apparently quietly warned everyone that the deck had seen better days.  I knew it eventually needed to be replaced but figured I'd get to that next year.  Rolling my eyes, I pretty much ignored the advice from Dave the engineer.  After all, what did he know?

The party was a big success.  Nobody drowned or had their DNA altered (as far as I know- I believe that's why you pay for home insurace anyway).  The next day, I went outside to water the flowers I had planted in pots on the deck and I fell right through.  (Well, at least one foot did).

Good news: it was my right foot and my bad hip wasn't damaged or anything. 

Just a bad sprain, confirmed in the emergency room.  I have an air cast, two crutches again for a couple more days and a priceless picture of my father to cherish forever.

So basically in summary the house is trying to kill me.  I blame one of my dear cousins, who has been telling me from the start that the place was haunted.  Technically, she told me that even when I was going to buy a different house so it may have something to do with her not wanting me to be in the suburbs, but maybe her psychic powers are still developing.

This mysterious envelope and message arrived in my mailbox the Friday before The Porch Incident.

I can't say I wasn't warned! 


  1. Hoe Lee CRAP! Okay, me and the cats are officially not visiting now. You can put away the guest towels.
    Get better soon!

  2. Hi, I am a friend of your mom and dad's. Your mom told me about the blog and I have read the entire thing! You are very funny and a great writer. I am wondering if the maazine that your dad is reading is HIGHLIGHTS for kids?!?!?!

  3. Ummmm.......I literally laughed outloud for this first, and now I'm terrified for you. Any ideas who it is from?? IT'S SO CREEPY!!!!!!!

  4. creepyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Also, damn girl. that porch tried to eat your leg!!!

  5. He is, Debbie! That was the only magazine there. I think he learned a lot from Goofus and Gallant. My mom says hi too :)

  6. I have an extremely good idea. It was my cousin, but now I wonder if she did accidentally curse me. Hmmm.

  7. My dad calls me Tare Bear, and now the family is calling the deck the Bear Trap. Sigh.