Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Ant Misbehavin'

I was vacuuming the front porch the other day and accidentally sucked up an ant.  My mind immediately wondered if his family and friends were watching from their safe corners, traumatized.  What if they went home and wrote a musical number to serve as a warning to young ants as to the dangers of humans and vacuums, like in "An American Tail" when tall the mice sing "There Are No Cats in America?"

Then I tried to come up with a couple of lyrics for the song the ants would write to warn against humans and vacuums but it was a little tough because I don't know if ants speak English or not.

That is sadly and seriously exactly how my brain works.



If someone steals my idea for an ant based Broadway musical about their fear of humans, I am suing.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

My House is Trying to Kill Me, Part 72

Check out what I found next to my car yesterday afternoon.


That's a bee hive.  I'm deathly allergic to bees.  It is obviously a warning from the evil spirit who lives in my house and is trying to kill me.  Either that or my cousin drove for over an hour and placed it there to scare me.  I suppose there is also a small possibility that it fell out of a tree or something, but for now we'll go with the most likely scenario, demonic possession.

Two weeks ago, Kerry and I were doing some yard work.  Technically, Kerry was doing most of the work and I was siting in a baby pool enjoying a popsicle, but the first sentence sounds better.  Anyway, we looked up and saw a swarm of bugs completely cover one small board of the siding on the back porch.  We assumed they were flying ants so I sprayed them with a hose.  Problem solved, right?

Two days later, I get a text from Kerry telling me that she talked to someone at work and she thinks the bugs were termites.  This was her proof.


The bugs did look exactly like the termite pictured.  I handled this news the mature way, by bursting into tears and spending the day googling for pictures.  My only knowledge of termites came from this Huckleberry Hound cartoon where a termite arrives and ends up eating most of the house, almost instantly. I figured that couldn't be good for property values.  Some more paranoid searching revealed that if the house was indeed infested with termites, it would cost about $10,000 to get rid of them.

I started thinking about selling the house.  I don't overreact at all.

After six hours of panic, I finally thought to google "termites illinois" and I discovered that the termite in the picture doesn't even exist here.  Then Kerry came home and went bug huntin' and found the dead body of one of the "termites" and it was pretty obvious it was just an ant.

There aren't very many times you celebrate when you figure out your house is infested with ants, but this was one of them.  

An exterminator came and we no longer have ant issues, so hopefully when the new deck is put in, it won't be like a new fine dining establishment opened up for ants in the back yard.

My dad is working on hiring a carpenter for that project.  Recently I heard a great story about what a natural born problem solver my father has been from a young age.  When he was ten, his dad brought home a gigantic tarp like thing that the army used to collect rain water on battle sites.  Grandpa set it up in the backyard and the kids all swam in it for weeks and weeks.  Imagine dozens of little dirty boys swimming in unfiltered water all summer long.  Very sanitary.

One of my dad's friends, a kid named Fesker,  for reasons unknown, ended up taking a pocket knife and slicing a hole in the side of the tarp.  The swimming pool was no more, and the very rational children of the neighborhood were angry.

They decided, as everyone would, to walk to the offender's house with a noose, all the while singing "We want Fesker with a rope around his neck" to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic."  Yes, they were going to lynch the kid because he ruined their pool.

Maybe these evil spirits are taking revenge on me for the sins of my father?  As far as I know, they didn't actually MURDER the kid, so I hope the demons give me a break.